Dear online dating profile…

 

Dear online dating profile men,

It has come to my attention that you don’t really know what you’re doing. It wasn’t that you had the profile name “NotThatGuy” or even the photos of you with your “sister” and “cousin.” Let me be clear: I get it. I, too, live in a small town where I don’t get to meet many people and this is my attempt to “get out there” and see what life has to offer. I know that my profile is not perfect, somewhat sparse, and rather vague. It is likely best that we not lay bare our souls in such a vulnerable way, but I need to let you know a few things I think about when reviewing your profile…

1.) Why, for the love of all that is literate, would you ever put the statement “LOL! I only read if I have to!”

Seriously, dude? You don’t read signs, Facebook posts, and what’s written on a contract? Good to know I could have the most fabulous prenup known to womankind if I just make it lengthy! 

2.) Why are there only photos of you wearing a hat?

I don’t mind baldness. I don’t think many adults truly do, so why must you always be in a hat? Are you REALLY that much of a Cubs fan? If so, perhaps we have other areas we should cover before superficiality… 

3.)  I don’t think you’re a kitten.

Well, I REALLY like kittens. But what are you trying to hide? Why can’t I go “aw” over a cute picture of you WITH a kitten? Is the kitten a decoy? Is this photo bait? Did I just click on it anyway? Dammit! 

4.) I also don’t think you’re a blue, shadowy avatar.

OK, seriously. You’re a felon. Just admit it. No photo means you’re either married, a felon, or … one of those guys that picks and then eats his own boogers. Gross. 

5.) So many photos of you at the gym. I know you don’t work out that much. Know how I know? Rich Froning doesn’t work out that much.

Alright, so maybe you don’t have a mirror somewhere at home that’s large enough to take a profile photo or even a phone with a playback option. Maybe you want me to think you work out a lot. I don’t work out a lot. Crap, do I also need photos of myself at the gym?! Ugh. Now I have to actually go to the gym… 

6.) If you only fill out sections of your profile with one or two words, I automatically assume you’re either a.) unintelligent or b.) not serious.

This is probably just an example of what we’d have to talk about on an actual date–absolutely nothing. 

7.) Please just be normal but slightly weird.

All I’m looking for is proper spelling, some slight description of your life, some moderately attractive photos, and a glimpse into how weird you are. And by weird I mean quirky in an “I’m intelligent but humble and funny” kind of way. If you could work on that, it’d be great. 

Sincerely,

A seriously frustrated online dater (Who’s–if you’re curious–intelligent, somewhat highly educated, and not incredibly bad looking)

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